A box of glass marbles, a kaleidoscope. Can it really be that my expressions, sides and energies change endlessly? Am I loving, open, boundless, exhausted, empathetic, angry, receptive and belligerent?

As I try to keep practicing, I discover time and time again that everything goes in waves. At least inside.

I'm the one who says "yes, of course, I'll do that"”
I am the loving mother who brings tea to my coughing child.
I am an open person who invites an Italian child in for five months.

I'm the one who only cautiously suggests helping the neighbor this week.
I am the mother who boils the water without putting the tea bag in.
I am an open person who is silent from exhaustion.

I'm the one who, out of the blue, yells: "NO!"”
I'm the mom yelling up the stairs because the kid hasn't cleaned up after himself.
I am an open person who stops talking because I need alone time.

I'm the one who asks if the neighbor wants to go for a walk.
I am the empathetic mother who buys juice for breakfast, even on a weekday.
I am an open person who listens even when it is quiet.

I'm the one who attacks before you even say anything.
I'm the mother who scolds just because it's morning.
I am an open person who is a spiteful, fire-breathing dragon. 

And I am completely, completely quiet.

The polarities surge within me – I can kill, I can give birth to a child. I am generous, I am greedy, I am accommodating, I am aggressive. I am all colors.

But most of the time no one sees it. I breathe deeply, I am kind, ordinary, calm in my inhale. Even calmer in my exhale. Neutral in my being.
In my reflective gaze, I look inward into my consciousness, see the colors, the facets, the edges and the contradictions.

Calmly I sit on my pillow. Calmly I walk in the world. At least that's my intention. It's going well. Really well. For a really long time at a time.
Until then crashes, and I discover that sometimes I'm still a complete beginner.
And I ask myself: Are you a crystal ball?